It is universally acknowledged and accepted that children thrive best growing up in a home with their married, biological parents. It is critical, therefore, that this family structure be protected and promoted.
Unfortunately, this important family structure, the key to raising well-adjusted children and establishing a stable society, has been undermined by a number of factors in the past few generations.
These factors include:
- No Fault Divorce
In 1986, a “no fault” divorce law was passed in Canada. It was based on the notion that it was not necessary to establish “fault” in dissolving a marriage. To remove “fault” as a requirement to obtain a divorce, it was argued, would result in less recrimination and resentment in the separation. This did not happen. The challenge in any divorce remains the resolving of the issues of support and custody and these issues remain as intense and complex matters under no fault divorce as they did under previous divorce legislation.
Further, no fault divorce has removed two important aspects of marriage, which are commitment and permanency. No “fault” permits one partner to leave the marriage for no reason other than a desire to do so. In short, no fault divorce has introduced the concept that marriage is not permanent, but can be quickly and easily dissolved. This easy exit from a marriage has also created a bundle of other problems – one of which is the increase in the number of fatherless homes.
Fatherless Homes
A shocking number of inmates in prisons come from fatherless homes where they are left without direction and drift to gangs and guns. These young men identify the latter as signs of male virility. The prison population is 93% male, and it is men who commit the vast majority of violent crimes. Another example about youth from fatherless homes is the increase in suicide among boys. By age 10 to 14, there are twice the number of suicides for boys as for girls. Between 15 and 19, it is four times the number, and by age 18 to 23, it is six times the number. What fatherless boys are missing is the father role which functions to set boundaries, gives orientation, and provides firmness and expectations, which fathers generally do much better than mothers.
Father-deprivation can also cause boys to experience a volcano of frustrating anger. Boys have a much greater tendency to act out if they have been hurt, and they are more likely to retaliate by hurting others. These boys feel that they are without purpose and their lives are meaningless. This belief is one reason behind school shootings. In essence, these boys blame their schools for not fulfilling their needs by failing to be adequate substitute dads.
Daughters, too, suffer when growing up in a fatherless home. The father’s presence serves as a buffer for daughters against early sexual initiation, unwed pregnancy, and risky sexual behaviours. Fatherless girls are twice as likely to suffer from obesity and much more likely to drop out of school. They also have difficulty understanding male-female relationships and the ability to determine what constitutes appropriate behaviour with men.
- Pornography
About 55 – 75% of men and 30 – 40 % of women under the age of 40 view pornography in a given year. Pornography is not a victimless activity since it has a significant detrimental effect on marriage. A study, published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour (September 2017), drawing its data from 2006 – 2014 in the U.S. General Social Survey, found that the probability of divorce roughly doubled for married Americans who view pornography.
Pornography undermines marriage because it creates dissatisfaction with one’s partner, and separates the marital partners emotionally from one another. It can also create deep psychological wounds, with feelings of betrayal, loss, mistrust, and anger when a partner consumes online pornography. Addiction to pornography is one of the main contributors to separation and divorce today.
- Women Seeking Fulfilment in the Marketplace, Not the Home
Young women today have been instilled with the message that their value lies in what they do, rather than who they are. Our culture requires, and many parents insist, that daughters do something with their lives by “not letting their intellect go to waste” by attaining higher education and gaining success in the marketplace. Intellect, however, never goes to waste, since it is used to educate the entire family and is helpful for any station in life. Women today are, unfortunately taught not to worry about finding a man to marry, or even having children, because there are supposedly more important things to do with their lives.
Some women do find genuine fulfillment in their careers and do not wish to curtail their achievements by marrying and having children. If so, they should be free to do so.
Many other women however, even though they have been conditioned to believe marriage and motherhood constitute a lesser life, still do desire such a life. It’s a natural instinct in most women to want to marry and have children. These women have prioritized higher education over marriage, and have, as a result, delayed marriage. Because of this delay, they have fewer opportunities to find an eligible partner and give birth to children, since fertility decreases with age.
Further, many women, even those satisfactorily working in their careers, still want more time at home to be with their children and to live a slower-paced life. They are reluctant to seek this goal because of financial and cultural pressures to achieve success in the paid workplace.
Perhaps it is time for women to decide what they really want in life, and maybe this will mean prioritizing marriage over acquiring a professional or advanced degree and climbing the employment ladder. Neither a master’s degree nor motherhood is suitable for every woman.
- Government Policies Undermine the Traditional Family
Government policies encourage parents to go solo. This is because welfare programs allow women to give birth out of wedlock by being financially supported by the state. These same women may also be reluctant to marry their child’s father because it means the loss of a stable source of income provided by welfare. This discourages marriage. Rather, they believe it is better for them to cohabit with the father in order to retain these welfare payments. This constitutes a marriage penalty. Lawyers in some provinces, by way of Legal-Aid, are paid by the government to assist women to secure a no fault divorce (divorces are most frequently initiated by women) and this discourages them from the possibility of reconciliation since a divorce can be so easily and quickly obtained.
Tax deductions and subsidies are available for parents to send their children to daycare facilities, but not to those who care for their own children in their own home.
Decades of family policies, although intended to be helpful, have, in effect, undermined the family and produced our current social disaster.
- The Future
More support should be provided for marital counselling to encourage couples to work out their personal differences, inevitable in every marriage.
Financial incentives should be available to reduce marriage penalties and otherwise discourage family instability. It would also be helpful to provide tax benefits for the married couple and strengthen child support enforcement when the couple has separated. The formation of financially sustainable single income families should be encouraged, with income splitting between husband and wife, providing families with more discretionary income to allow a mother to remain at home if that is what the family prefers.
In addition:
- Career prospects for young Canadians, especially young men, should be provided.
- The effects of pornography on adult partner relationships should be reviewed in order to curtail the easy access to pornography.
It is critical that recognition be given to the important role mothers provide the family and the community. A woman should be proud she is a wife and mother and not defensive that she is “just a stay at home mom”. In that role, she contributes stability and strength to society. It is a noble calling from which everyone benefits and women should be respected for making that choice.